Reevaluating the Stages of Grief: Why Traditional Models May Fall Short

Grief is a deeply personal experience that affects everyone differently. For decades, the stages of grief model has shaped how people understand and cope with loss. Yet, many find this framework limiting or even unhelpful. This post explores why the traditional stages of grief may not serve everyone well and offers a fresh perspective on navigating loss.

A winding forest path symbolizing the unpredictable journey of grief

The Origins of the Stages of Grief

The most well-known model of grief comes from Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, who introduced five stages in her 1969 book: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. This framework was originally based on her work with terminally ill patients. Over time, it became widely applied to all types of loss, from death to breakups and other life changes.

While the model helped bring attention to grief as a process, it was never meant to be a strict roadmap. Unfortunately, many people interpret it as a linear path they must follow, which can create unrealistic expectations and pressure.

Why the Stages of Grief Can Be Unhelpful

1. Grief Is Not Linear

People often expect to move smoothly from one stage to the next, but grief rarely works that way. Someone might feel acceptance one day and then experience intense anger or denial the next. This back-and-forth is normal, but the stages model can make people feel like they are "doing it wrong" if their grief doesn’t follow a neat sequence.

2. It Ignores Individual Differences

Everyone’s grief is unique. Factors like personality, culture, relationship to the loss, and support systems shape how grief unfolds. The stages model does not account for these differences, which can leave people feeling misunderstood or isolated.

3. It Can Minimize Complex Emotions

The stages focus on a handful of emotions, but grief can involve a wide range of feelings including guilt, relief, confusion, and even joy. Reducing grief to five categories risks oversimplifying a complex emotional experience.

4. It May Pressure People to "Move On"

The final stage, acceptance, can be misinterpreted as a goal to reach quickly. This can lead to pressure to "get over" grief or hide ongoing pain. In reality, acceptance is often a gradual and ongoing process, not a fixed endpoint.

Alternative Ways to Understand Grief

Grief as a Fluid and Personal Journey

Instead of stages, think of grief as a fluid experience that changes over time. People may cycle through different feelings, revisit old emotions, or discover new ones as they heal. This approach allows space for individual variation and acknowledges that grief can last a lifetime.

The Task-Based Model

Some experts suggest focusing on tasks rather than stages. These include:

• Accepting the reality of the loss

• Processing the pain of grief

• Adjusting to a world without the loved one

• Finding ways to remember and reconnect

  
  

This model encourages active coping and personal growth, rather than passively moving through predefined stages.

Embracing Support and Self-Compassion

Grief can feel isolating, but connecting with others who understand can help. Support groups, therapy, or trusted friends provide safe spaces to express emotions without judgment. Practicing self-compassion, being kind to yourself during difficult moments also supports healing.

Practical Tips for Navigating Grief Without Relying on Stages

• Allow yourself to feel whatever comes up. Don’t force emotions or judge them.

• Avoid comparing your grief to others. Your experience is valid and unique.

• Seek support when needed. Professional help can provide tools and perspective.

• Create personal rituals. These can honour your loss and provide comfort.

• Be patient with yourself. Healing takes time and is not a straight path.

  
  

When the Stages Model Might Still Help

While the stages of grief have limitations, some people find them useful as a starting point to understand their feelings. Knowing that emotions like anger or denial are common can reduce isolation. The key is to use the model flexibly, without rigid expectations.